Breaking Generational Trauma: The Importance and Challenges Of Starting Therapy
As a Latina raised to be a strong woman, starting therapy was extremely difficult. Telling my parents I was starting it… that was even harder. There was guilt, and there was also fear. I didn’t want to make them feel sad or guilty either about my need to go to therapy. I worried that sharing this meant pointing out the wrongs they did, we all did.
It is not new that I find it very hard to express my most intimate feelings to them. But it is still surprising how burdening it still feels. Finding my voice this past year, and sharing my feelings and needs with my parents has been both hard and eye opening.
For too many of us, growing up in households where there isn’t room for our thoughts, feelings and needs has a lasting negative impact. I know I am not the only one struggling with this, so my intention in sharing my story is that perhaps it will make others feel less lonely in this journey. Delving into the scary beginnings of therapy as a Hispanic, this article explores the cultural and personal barriers many of us face, but emphasizes the vital importance of seeking help. We will talk about how sometimes, families and cultures can unknowingly make us feel like our feelings should be kept a secret or are not real. But don’t worry, this isn’t just about the tough stuff - we’re also going to talk about how we can break free from this cycle and make sure our feelings and thoughts are heard and valued, not just by others but also by ourselves! Read on if you are curious about how you can create a future for yourself in which you can learn how to express your feelings and give yourself space to process feelings you may have bottled up.
Realizing We Have To Unpack Our Silent Feelings
“Calladita te ves más bonita.” “Cállate que no tienes nada.” And so many other phrases and terms that we get used to, normalize, and accept. And what did these sayings really do for us? Hurt us. It taught us that there was no room for our feelings to exist or to be heard. The truth is, in our culture feelings are almost always dismissed, teaching us that we had to bottle them up. It’s hard to realize as an adult all those feelings still impact us today and learning to unpack them can be heavy, confusing and scary to do alone.
Being told things like "no es para tanto" can downplay our experiences, making us question our own realities. Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I just being dramatic or too sensitive?” You’re probably not, but you are definitely now doubting your own emotions.
Many of us in the Hispanic community grew up with the "lo que pasa en la casa, se queda en la casa". This often meant suppressing our feelings and struggles to ourselves. Telling outsiders or anyone else was forbidden. Asking for help was pretty much out of the question.
So no wonder why talking about these feelings is unfamiliar and foreign. It will be something we will have to learn how to do. We will have to learn to get our voice back. One can try sharing with people they trust, or even speaking to oneself. However, if this still feels hard, as a first step you can try writing. Write down your emotions as they come to you. This might feel safer and can help you identify those feelings and learn the language of expressing them.
Daring To Ask For Help And Facing The Weight Of Culture
In our community and families, sharing how you feel or sharing that your starting therapy is commonly met with judgment. Comments like “tienes la mente muy débil o eres muy dramática”, make most people feel unseen and unheard. When I told my dad I started therapy and was diagnosed with severe depression, his response was “olvídate de eso, tú no tienes nada.” The more positive parents will say instead “tú eres fuerte, tú estás bien”. Either way, far from the support one needs. So naturally it can feel very disempowering that they rather believe in la llorona and dismiss your struggle, before believing you’re depressed and need help.
Surely, one can understand where that comes from. Our abuelitos, tíos, tías, parents and so on, all had a similar if not worse upbringings. Many faced very challenging situations early on and across their lives. Perhaps they were in charge of taking care of their siblings, facing food scarcity and sometimes dealing with the trauma of migrating and the hardships of starting a new life away from home. They were taught they had to be tough. They were never taught the language of expressing feelings. They were instead taught they had to suppress their feelings. That’s why they tell us to suck it up. They “had to walk 10 miles to school”, so why can’t we just be tough? The response to our struggles is almost always how they had it harder.
This deep rooted legacy has remained strong in our communities. Our predecessors did not have the tools or resources they needed to challenge the resistance and stigma of mental health. They were not able to break the cycle, and now we are met with them being unable to handle or respond to our feelings.
Knowing this and accepting this can help you look at your family with empathy. It can help us accept that they are people who likely also experienced trauma, and most likely didn’t get to resolve it, and are still unable to seek help and heal. Personally, this really helped me understand that my parents raised me to the best of their ability based on how they were raised.
Struggling To Open Up
Admitting I needed help was a personal battle, one of several steps to opening up. When you are conditioned to be submissive or believe issues are "all in your head," owning up that you struggle feels foreign. Once I had decided to go to therapy, finding a therapist was hard, and convincing myself that I could trust my therapist was an even harder step. Going in for my first appointment I was drenched with sweat and my tummy was in knots. “What do I say or where do I start?”
It takes an immense amount of strength to open up and acknowledge feelings that have been suppressed for years. Those parts of you that have been silenced or ignored still live within you. It is so important to give them the space they need to have closure. And it is worth it. It can be truly liberating.
It is okay to be scared and it is okay to take your time. It is also okay to look for a therapist that resonates with you, someone who you click with. Remember this is someone who is going to be there for you throughout your healing journey. You should be comfortable with them to open up and speak about the most intimate feelings and moments of your life. Sometimes finding the right person takes several tries, and that is okay.
Revisiting One’s Story
Reflecting back on my childhood sometimes seems like looking back at a film with several scenes cut out. My therapist told me this is called, “dissociation.” It wasn’t until I started therapy that I learned how every interaction led me to be who I am today. I am loving, empathetic, kind. I am also a people pleaser, one who is silent and constantly seeking validation. Why? As many of you, growing up in a strict hispanic household, my feelings were dismissed and deemed invalid. Los comentarios de “cariño”, to tough it up, truly hurt me. I never felt good enough. Even now, I am still seeking that validation, “Am I pretty enough? Did I do good enough?”
Sometimes talking about what happened growing up can be an eye-opening experience. Taking the time to relive certain memories can be hard though. My story might not be exactly what you lived but there is a good chance we’ve been left with similar feelings of being invalidated, neglected or alone.
Some possible impacts of it affecting you today are the constant need of feeling seen, heard, understood. If you find yourself seeking validation, feeling unwanted or unloved, or like you are not enough, you are not alone. In fact, it makes sense that you feel that way. And moreover, there is value in realizing that, so you can start turning things around for yourself. Starting therapy can assist you in unpacking these experiences and emotions, and understanding how they are impacting your life today.
Breaking the Cycle
Starting therapy when it feels like you have no support or being told nothing is wrong with you is hard. I’ve been in those shoes too. I still am even to this day. My personal advice is; choose to break the cycle, choose to give it a chance. Give yourself the opportunity to heal your inner child and break the generational trauma.
The difficulty we face when trying to break the cycle in our family is because our abuelos did it to our tios, tias and our parents. That is why they can’t understand the need for us to unpack and the idea of getting therapy. I challenge us to embrace how uncomfortable that is. Why? Because without it we will never grow and stop this cycle from passing down to future generations. It’s time we start to give space to our feelings and teach out kids and families that having feelings is valid.
So Where Can You Start?
Ready to take the first step? Take a deep breath, and let’s navigate it together.
First up, you will need to look for a therapist that will meet your needs. Every therapist will have a different approach, area of specialty, and frameworks they use. Some will be specialized on different kinds of issues, such as family dynamics, relationships, depression, trauma etc.
You could also focus your search for a therapist based on the kind of therapy you would like to try. Some examples are:
CBT
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a therapy that’s all about managing your problems by changing the way you think and act.
CBT gives you useful skills to keep stress and worries at bay by helping you catch and change harmful thoughts or actions. It’s like learning mental shortcuts to a better mood!
DBT
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, short DBT, is a therapy focused on striking a balance, helping you accept and change troublesome thoughts and behaviors.
DBT acts as a comforting guide through your emotional storms. It offers you strategies to hold onto, helping to navigate through tough emotions and enhancing your relationships by instilling a peaceful balance.
EMDR
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a technique that is used to help individuals process and come to terms with traumatic memories.
EMDR helps by allowing patients to process traumatic memories in a safe environment, often reducing the emotional charge of these memories and allowing the individual to integrate them in a healthier way. It’s commonly used to treat PTSD.
Art
Art Therapy is where you communicate through your creations, turning feelings into art, making it about more than just words.
Art Therapy can help individuals express and understand emotions, reduce stress, and enhance self-esteem and self-awareness through the creative process. It provides a way for people to communicate feelings and experiences in a non-verbal way, which might be particularly beneficial for those who find it hard to express themselves with words.
The Common Questions
Why is therapy stigmatized in the Hispanic community?
It's a combination of historical, cultural, and societal factors. Traditionally, personal issues were kept private, and admitting to struggles might have been seen as a sign of weakness or airing "dirty laundry."
How can I make my family understand my need for therapy?
Open communication is key, but it's also essential to remember that understanding may take time. Sharing educational resources and personal experiences can sometimes bridge the gap.
The takeaway
Starting therapy, especially if your background is Hispanic or Latin, is undeniably challenging. Between the weight of cultural expectations and the silencing of our feelings growing up, it can be a heavy task. Even though it might have not always been clear, the impact of what that did to us, will always affect us unless it is resolved. This is why it is important to seek help to heal ourselves, and to break the cycle for future generations. Starting therapy is a great way to do this. I promise you, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Remember, our mental well-being is invaluable, and while our paths to healing might be questioned or rejected by our family, each step forward is a testament to our resilience to make a change for ourselves and them. There are so many ways different types of therapies help and you get to choose the one that fits you best! Together we can build a better future in our culture.
